Will I be ALONE forever?

I know I know. I gotta get better. Trust me I've thought about writing numerous times. I'm really trying to get my life in order right now. My house, car and a tiny bit of my life are a mess.

Anyway, I've been dating the African for about 4 months and unfortunately I don't think he's the one for me. He is very thoughtful, affectionate and caring but I don't think he's the one. I tried something new, a little chubby, bad teeth and a lack of interest in sports but it ain't working! While he's smart he doesn't know A LOT of shit. I have close friends that told me that maybe I'm being too hard because I read a lot from pop culture to Eastern European politics but some shit I just feel you should have a little knowledge on. But my biggest pet peeve is I think he's a tad needy. I know I'm really independent and maybe to my detriment but I feel like he NEEDS a lot. I'll give you an example. A few weeks ago my girl was throwing her boyfriend a party. In order for the party to be a success I had to go over early(as soon she left to take him out) set up, let the dj in and just be the point person. After everything was set up I ran home showered grabbed the jello shots I made and went back. My name and phone number were on the Evite so people were calling me like crazy with "I'm running late, Is he there yet,Where do I park etc?" So after the surprise went off without a hitch and people were eating and dancing. Afro-Bx was there with a few of his friends and a lot of my friends were there. Everyone was mingling etc. I was talking but I was also making sure the liquor stayed flowing and just being a hostess. A few times some men came over and said how nice of a party it was and how they knew the birthday boy. Nothing out of line. At 2:30 Afro-Bronx said he was leaving and asked me if I was coming. I was like No. I told S I'd help her clean up etc. Then I said I'll see you tomorrow. He said cool. By the time we cleaned up and got everything together it was close to 4. A few of my friends that live in Jersey came to my house and we had a few more cocktails and chit chatted. On my way to my house I tried to call Afro Bx but of course he was sleep. Fast forward to Sunday afternoon. He and I had a conversation and this dude told me he was mad by the way I acted act the party. Arruuuuu? What? He said I didn't introduce him to some of the dudes that came up to me. Umm what? I didn't know them they were coming up saying it was a nice party blah blah blah. I was like dude it wasn't date night. I was running around being a hostess. Y'all I wasn't being disrespectful. Not one time was I anywhere near him when people were coming up to me. What was I supposed to say. "Please walk to the back of the patio with me so I can introduce you to the dude I date even though I don't know you."

The kicker for me was when he told me that it was problematic that my friends came over to my house! Bitch what? Are you fucking serious? Then he gives me a scenario about if he was helping his boy out and I came to the party with my friends then left and he decided to have an impromptu gathering at his house with his friends how would I feel. I said I wouldn't feel any type of way. I left. You chilled longer with your people and so what!

I'm a firm believer of chilling with your friends and having relationships outside of the person you're seeing. Those were your friends before me they should be your friends during and after. We don't have to intertwine our friends all the time. Sometimes you just want to talk and bug out with your people!

At the end of the day I need to be with someone who let's Shell be Shell.

Y'all I think I may be alone forever! Thoughts?

Sidekick or Baby Mama?

I recently read the lastest edition of Haper's Bazarre. In it was an article with Savannah Brinson(the mother of LeBron James's children). There were a few things in the article that I found quite interesting.

One quote she had in the article was "I'm the mother of his children. I am not a baby mama. There's more to me than that." Hmmm really? For all of you that are single moms this is NOT directed toward you. I love marriage and family especially black marriages but when I see articles like this it burns me up. I feel like she's trying to rationalize her position in his life and it pisses me off. I don't think because you have a child you should marry the child's father because sometimes it just doesn't work like that. But to sit there and have two children by this man or any other man and be ok with just being his "sidekick" is not ok. Lebron isn't saying that he's going to ever marry her or that she is the one for me. In this article he states that she is his "sidekick." Arrruuu? Sidekick? Are you serious? The mother of his children is his "sidekick?" The thing that blows my mind is that she is ok with this. This is Lebron's statement "A person like myself needs a great sidekick and a person you can rely on no matter what the circumstances. And she is that, she's got my back and I love her for that." Once again I can't get past the sidekick part.

More and more black women are having children out of wedlock at a rate of nearly 70%. It makes no sense to continue doing this and have no intention on having a legal union. I know marriage IS NOT for everyone and I certainly don't expect women who have had a child from a man to just marry him because. This is focused to the ones who go out and have kids all willy nilly and NEVER having any intention to get married. I think women who do this are selling theirselves short. For those women who think that having a child will get the man to marry them are sadly mistaken too.

One part of the interview Savannah talks about being a role model to young women in her hometown of Akron. I don't get it. You were Lebron's highschool sweetheart who went on to have two children by him and will be paid for the rest of your life. She didn't go to college nor do anything else. I'm not knocking that she isn't nice(my hairdresser does her weaves and says she's the sweetest girl). But what are you showing these young women? To find a baller and have children and never get married and to be their "sidekick". STOP poppin' out babies to a man that doesn't think enough of you to give you a real status....WIFE!

What say you guys? Is being a sidekick better than a baby mama?

Something new? Not for me

So, I see a lot of people have their panties in a bunch because of Jill Scott's article in Essence. I personally don't see what the big deal is. SHE say it stings to see a black man with a white woman. After reading the article there are points I agree with.

Here's a snippet of what Jill says, "When our people were enslaved, "Massa" placed his Caucasian woman on a pedestal. She was spoiled, revered and angelic, while the Black slave woman was overworked, beaten, raped and farmed out like cattle to be mated. She was nothing and neither was our Black man. As slavery died for the greater good of America and the movement for equality sputtered to life, the White woman was on the cover of every American magazine. She was the dazzling jewel on every movie screen, the glory of every commercial and television show. She was unequivocally the standard of beauty for this country, firmly unattainable to anyone not of her race. We daughters of the dust were seen as ugly, nappy mammies, good for day work and unwanted children, while our men were thought to be thieving, sex-hungry animals with limited brain capacity. We reflect on this awful past and recall that if a Black man even looked at a White woman, he would have been lynched, beaten, jailed or shot to death. In the midst of this, Black women and Black men struggled together, mourned together, starved together, braved the hoses and vicious police dogs and died untimely on southern black roads together. These harsh truths lead to what we really feel when we see a seemingly together brother with a Caucasian women and their children. That feeling is betrayed."

I get what she's saying. It's not like she or myself is saying don't date inter racially she just says it stings a bit. I get you can't help who you fall in love with. Hell, one of my closest friends who is white female just got engaged Saturday to a black man. My problem is when black men OR women say I will NOT date a black women or I will not date a black man. That's some bs. As of late there's been so many stories of why black women are single and how they need to try something new(meaning a white man). I grew up in a town that barely had 20 thousand people. It's located 50 miles south of Buffalo. I only graduated from high school with seven black people and there were only two of us that both of our parents were black. My first real high school boyfriend was white. Hell he was my prom date. All the black kids asked white girls. When I go back and see my parents 80% of the black boys have babies with white girls. Some will tell you they never even dated a black girl.:( That upbringing could really mess up a person's psyche. But my parents were awesome. They instilled confidence in me and also sent me to Bed-Stuy in the summer for two weeks to chill with my cousins! LOL! Even though my hs boyfriend was white I knew in my heart that I would end up with a black man. I went off to college and I was surrounded by all shades of chocolate. While there I dated, an Indian, Cuban,Colombian etc. I like having options! Even when I graduated college I dated a white boy. But at the end of the day I just wasn't comfortable. I want to have a mate that looks like me and REALLY understands how it feels. But that's ME!

Now 10+ years later my first choice is a black man. I've seen plenty of white men do women wrong just like I've seen plenty of black men do women wrong. But why is it that the media and some black women who have white mates think that's the way to go and that will solve the problem of successful black women not having mates. I don't knock anyone for choosing different but I do understand what Jill wrote!

So, this is how the dating scene is now?

My month of dating has been HORRIFIC I mean dayum what is wrong with these dudes. So, I met two seemingly nice men. Professional, handsome seem like they might be cool. Dude 1, let's call him Light Skin. He seemed cool. We met, he called we exchanged a few emails then he asked me out for dinner and drinks. Good conversation, handsome, fun, witty. Then after that I constantly got hit with the text messages. "What's up?", "You watching the game?" Ummm dude are you not 35 why are you CONSTANTLY texting me? His reply was well I don't like to talk on the phone a lot. I'm better in person. Ok. Yeah but how are you going to see me in person again if all you do is text. He said I was going to text you to go out with me again! *DEAD* Oh word. Don't waste your time because my answer would be NO! I'm a grown azz woman and when I really don't know you. Texting is NOT a good form of communication! WTF? So, we had this convo and he waits a week and decides to text me again like it's ok. That's when I lost it! AFTER I had to tell him about himself via text. He decides to call me and say do you want to come out for drinks and stay at my house? Arrruuuuuuuuuu? WHAT?? It's 10:30 the night of the NFC Championship game and you think it's ok to ask me to come out for drinks AND stay at your house when I've only had ONE date with you. After I cussed his azz out with everything I had. He said I was just saying that since you'd be in the city! Mothereffer what? BYE and don't EVER call me again!
Dude 2, let's call him PA(he's an Physician's Assistant). The night I met him we had good conversation he seemed cool although a tad bit sheltered to be 38 but I still decided to give him a chance. The next evening this dude TEXT me and said "Thinking about you." Uhh word? That's nice and all but you spoke to me for 20 min and now you send me a text saying thinking about you! WEIRDO! So, I never responded to that text because I was in the middle of Walmart and then I just forgot about it. So, fast forward to Thursday this fool sends me a text "Good Morning" I text back and say the same thing. Later that evening he sends YET ANOTHER text that says" I tried to reach out to you several days ago. Hopefully I'll see you soon." What?? He sent me a text that morning. So, I kindly text him back and say that he text me that morning and I responded and this fool tried to get smart and say "Sorry hon, this is Darryl I haven't heard from you. I was like "shall I forward you YOUR text?" Then he says "Oh yes, sorry." Of course I text him back and asked him if he found it appropriate to text a woman he's never had a conversation with. And if his first line of communication is always text and how I found that to be young and not becoming of a grown azz man. He said some other dumb shyt and that's when I said dude lose my number.

I know we're in 2010 but c'mon. Do men really think it's okay to have the first line of communication via text? My 20 year old nephew who has grown up in the digital era even calls girls after he meets them. What's wrong with expecting 30+ year old men to do the same! The Teacher is looking better and better to me! Dang!

I Keep Slippin...

Why do I keep talking to this man? In my post on January 7. I stated that me and The Teacher were over and it had to stop. I siad my heart and my head were both in the same place. I swear y'all that's what I think. If that's so true why did I go to dinner with him on Saturday evening? He called and asked me if I'd like to meet him at our favorite spot for dinner. I said sure! WTF??? I must say I wasn't all warm and fuzzy inside when I saw him but when we were about to sit and he took off his jacket! LAAAAAWD HAVE MERCY! His shoulders look so delicious and I know what was underneath that sweater. He works out all the time and his abs look like this.

I will say that I didn't even have the urge to rub up on his stomach. Because lawd knows I love touching that washboard! LOL! Anyway our dinner was cool and we had good conversation. Neither one of us brought up our seperation. I had no intention on talking about it because I wanted a casual dinner and didn't want to go to the F_uitlist's party in a bad mood. I went out on a date with some dude that showed a tiny bit of promise but that's a NO go(That's a story for another day), I'm still going to continue to keep my options open but can't help but be slightly curious about The Teacher and his actions!
He always tells me I'm his Nina and he's my Darrius. Could that be true?

A New Start

So, 2010 is finally here! I can remember when it was 1999 turning into 2000 and everyone was worried about Y2K(Nothing happened with that shyt).
I don't have any resolutions this year just goals. One of them is stop holding on to shit that's just not there. For the past 2.75 years me and The Teacher have gone back and forth. At one point we were exclusive then we broke up,tried to talk again then stopped. It was an ongoing cycle. The cycle has finally come to an end. Although it wasn't the way I had planned it has ended. The relationship finally seemed like it was getting better but alcohol,tone,words turned around and pent up frustations made it come to a crashing halt. It's sad that after almost 3 years it ended like this but what more can I do. The bringing up old shyt, using your words against you and not COMMUNICATING will eff up any relationship. It took me a long time to be at the place I'm at but I'm here. It's the first time that my head and my heart are in the same place.


I'm going to write my goals out in the next post. I just had to get this out.

Staying for paper

I said I wouldn't write about this whole Tiger shyt but I have to. A few of my girlfriends and one of their mothers had a discussion about this last night. I said maybe I could stay if he had an affair with one woman. While I would be hurt and upset I would MAYBE try and work on my marriage. I can't answer yes or no one way or the other because I'm not married and I think you have much more to lose in a marriage then when it's just a boyfriend/girlfriend.

But damn 10 women have now come out saying they had escapades with him. One of them saying she was the side chick when he was just dating Elin. She says Tiger told her that the marriage was just for his "image." I'm sure some of that is true. His image is or shall I say was scripted so well. I think white America embraced him so much because he didn't come out and say he was black. Instead he said some stupid azz shyt about being "Caublasian." Newsflash Tiger, mainstream America sees black!! Let's get that straight. You're not the lightest dude. Do you really think these wealthy white people wanted you at THEIR country club. Nah son, it just so happens that you're a hell of a golfer.

According to the reports I read that Tiger and Elin had a prenup for a 10yr period and she would get 20-25mil. Now since this happened Tiger's lawyers have sweetened the deal saying if Elin stays for two more years(which will total to 7 years of marriage) she'll get 55mil but if she walks now she'll only get 25mil.Hell that's a come up for her she was a damn nanny! So, the discussion me and my friends had was would you stay for the additional 30mil. MY answer would be NO! Like I stated above if it was one woman...maybe. Everyone is human and people make mistakes but I'm still not sure if I would forgive. BUT 10 have come forward....hell naw! That shyt is just disrespectful! One of these chicks being a porn star! NOPE! Another of them is a waitress at Perkins(for those you who don't know that restaurant it's like a hillbilly IHOP with better food. There's one in the city I grew up in). I would take the 25mil and be gone. That money is HERS! He will provide for his kids, they'll go to the best schools, have a nice azz house(s) with all the amenities. I'm taking it and running. TO ME the extra 30mil doesn't matter! My self respect does.
What say you. Would you take the 25mil now or wait for 2 more years and get the 55mil?

Extra:Did y'all read the text message that said" I'm gonna tear you up!" Maaan that shyt cracks me up. Not saying it's impossible but all I imagine is Tiger's funny sounding voice saying that...lmao!! Oh and another chick said he's very well endowed and she would give the azz a 12 out of 1-10 scale! Well, I guess he tore her up! Bwaaaaaaaaaahahhahahahhahahah!

Decisions Decisions Decisions

I said I would write my review of Black In America on Friday and today is now Monday and no review. I will write it on Wednesday since I'm trying to blog three days a week now. Plus I feel like I have other pressing issues to deal with.

Last week I was selected to attend a Lunch and Learn that was scheduled for today. It's thrown by the Black Women's Leadership Group at my job. When you see something from them you have to immediately jump on it or it will fill up. So, I got the email and sent it in my rsvp. All in all only 20 people were selected and I'm happy I was one of them. They had two Managing Director's speak one black and one white. They happened to both be promoted to MD the same year. The topic was on Mentorship and Sponsorship but it turned to other topics. The women at the table were incredibly candid in their questions and answers. In case some of you don't know. Having a title of Managing Director is huge in the financial circle. There are very few black MD's and even fewer black women MD's. I think there's like 20 for the company I work for and I work for a big azz company.

One of the things one of the women said is "you have to create your own destiny" and that statement really resonated with me. I've been thinking about this in both my professional and personal life. My job is stagnant and I don't think I will be able to move up with the group I'm in. I keep getting paid more money but it's really satisfying for me. I thought for a minute that I keep taking the paper and do the same stagnant job but it it's not working. I am good at my job and very knowledgeable. Hell I know more shyt then people who are above me and I know more about what the other groups are doing. I could go to any job in my department and do well but that doesn't matter. They're not trying to get rid of their talent so there's no transferring. I would so like to go to the product side. Of course not many blacks are there. I think I may have to leave this company and go somewhere else to be more full filled.

Don't get me wrong. I am so blessed to have a job in this economy and being in the field I'm in. I have plenty of friends who have lost their jobs and I see my department shrinking before my eyes. I've been thinking about this for awhile and now is the time. I came into this field in a very unconventional way and it's always a great topic in interviews. I don't know why I'm a little gun shy on this. I have no kids and no debt. I have a substantial savings, parents and siblings who support my unconventional moves even though they don't always agree but they understand. I am a risk taker and always have been. I've never lacked confidence. So now is the time I HAVE TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF AND IN MY NEXT MOVE! I believe it will be a big one.

I guess this coincides with me and the moves I made in my personal life. The Teacher and I have been in limbo for the past year. We had a serious heart to heart on Sunday. I told him I can't continue to have a half ass relationship. . I eventually want to get married and have a kid. I can't help that you have issues about your dad and your scared you'll turn out like him. If you're not like him now what's going to change? While I appreciate him not wanting to be like a man he has issues with. I'm not trying to sit around and wait forever. It was a very deep conversation some things were said that hurt on both sides but it was needed. I finally found out how he truly feels about me and how he envisions our future together. So for now we'll see how this progresses.

So Beautiful

I don't know about y'all but when I hear the Musiq song So Beautiful it really makes me think. The way he speaks about this woman is the way I think most women would want their man to feel about them. This song is absolutely beautiful to me! It takes me back to a time in my life where I had the type of love he's singing about. I can't wait till I experience love like this again!

PS. I blame this on The Jaded Nyer she has all of us getting soft! LOL!


So Beautiful lyrics

[Verse 1:]
You're my baby
My lover, my lady
All night you make me
Want you it drives me crazy
I feel like you
Were made just for me babe
Tell me if you
Feel the same way

Cuz it just feels so right
I don’t wanna waste no time
If I had to choose I know
Im gon always choose to be with you
Cuz girl don’t you know

[Chorus:]
Girl don’t You know you're so beautiful
I wanna give all my love to you girl
Not just tonight but the rest of your life
I wanna be always here by your side
[Repeat]

[Verse 2:]
When you're not here
You don’t know how much I miss you
The whole time on my mind
Is how much Im gonna get to make
You feel so good like you know I could
Tell me if you
Feel the same way

Cuz it just feels so right
I don’t wanna waste no time
Girl if I had to choose I know
Im gon always choose to be with you
Cuz girl don’t you know

Feeling some kind of way

So some of you may know that I have an on off love affair with the Teacher. For those of you that are new. I give a brief recap of our relationship! He and I are very compatible on so many levels but he has some fears and issues he needs to work on in order for our relationship to be successful. He's an all around good dude, doesn't cheat, lie, rarely goes out or drinks.One of our main problem is he thinks that I have a smart azz mouth...which I do but I do try and work on it. And it irks the hell out of him but when he does shyt that makes NO sense to me I call him on it and sometime he sees it as me being a know it all. Also his family is soo emotionally draining on him that it leaves NO room for anything else. He's the youngest by 8 yrs and he acts like he's the oldest. His siblings act like they're helpless and can't do shyt! He feels an obligation to them because his mom passed away when he was 11 and his sister raised him but damn she's now 43 and she's a mess! Good job, NO money,drug addicted husband,22 year old daughter living in her house with her 2yro and her own 6yro daughter. The sister blames EVERYTHING on the husband but does NOTHING to try and make her life better! If I wrote everything y'all would tell me to just write a short story because that's what the eff it is! Anyway, The Teacher grew up in a very rough part of BK and never got in trouble earned a full basketball scholarship to Arizona State. He had a few tryouts with the Hawks and Jazz but through the physical examination found out he has a degenerative hip disorder so since his NBA dreams were smashed he went and played overseas for a few years and then came back when the hip problem became to bad to play! So that's why he's a teacher. But he loves it and is almost finished with his Master's in Education. I know I'm all over the place..lol! We took a big break last year and I went out with a couple other people but I always had the Teacher on my mind! We speak EVERYDAY. He is the first person I speak to in the morning and last one at night! He does anything thing for me and I do the same for him. We had a discussion and we both want to get back together but I think we're both unsure. He has abandonment issues due to his mom dying when he was so young and since he's so nice the last girl did a number on him. I hope I'm not making him sound like a punk because he's not! Far from it. He actually checks the hell out of me! LOL!

So, the reason I'm feeling some kind of way is. The Teacher has always wanted to coach at a collegiate level but he wanted to finish his Master's first. So, the first day of the NCAA tournament he's watching Texas Tech play on tv and sees his old assistant coach on the bench. He freaks out because he lost contact with him, so he goes on Texas Tech's website and finds him and sends him an email. Well dude responds saying how he's an assistant coach there blah blah blah. Fast forward to last Wednesday. Coach calls Teacher at 10:30am asking him if it's possible for him to get on a 9:30pm flight to interview Thursday morning at 9am with the head coach(who happens to be Bobby Knight's son). The Teacher calls me and tells me that he can't come out with me on Thursday because of this! I'm screaming into the phone. I'm so excited for him!! Because I know that this is a great opportunity for him! But when reality set in. I felt so sad because I know there's a possibility of him leaving! We've discussed how I wanted to leave NYC next year. While I love living here I can't afford to buy shyt but my damn apt. I grew up in a house and when I left Houston to come here I was living in a 5br 3000sq ft house! *sigh* Anyway it was always known that I was rolling in 2010 but now he might leave. I feel some kind of way! I think because the last two months we have really been putting in effort with each other! So, the interview went well and he finds out Friday if he will be part of Texas Tech's bball team! We haven't discussed this but I can tell that it has hit him the way it's hitting me! I know whatever happens happens. If we're supposed to be then we will be.

I know this post was all over the place but that's how I feel right now!

Trying to get up

I haven't felt like blogging let alone doing shyt. I get up go to work, go to the gym and go home. I barely talk on the phone(although I think I made up for my lack of talking on the phone last night. I was on the phone until 4am!)I'm in such a funky azz mood which is soo unlike me! I'm always the one that's upbeat, fun, life of the party. Now, I barely want to be at the party! There are a few reasons that are dragging me into this funk:

1. Not feeling my job. It pays the bills but I've gone as far as I can. I realize that people are just doing the same shyt they were doing when they first started and it's ok for them but not for the kid! I've been here a little over two years and I think I need to start planning to move on up. The main concern is I want to completely leave this field. I need to research how to go about this which leads to my second funk.

2.Going back to school. I've been wanting to go to business school for the past few years but I've yet to take the GMAT(what the f&ck am I waiting for?)this is the year that I thought I would take it and now the economy decides it wants to tank so the applications for buisness school will be up at least 60% *sigh*. I want to go full time too. Quit this beyatch and get my full time study on! I really don't have any bills. No student loans(thanks mom and dad)car is paid off. Just misc bills, gas, light, cable and shoes! The more I've been thinking. I think that I should probably take the LSAT to cover both sides and apply for a JD/MBA program. So, when I'm finished I will be a motherf*ckin force! So, you ask what is my problem why am I just sitting on my ass? If you find the answer please let me know! I have all the books. I'm just not motivated to study. But I know I want to do this! What the eff is holding me back?

3.Relationship. I firmly believe when something makes you fall it's all about the bounce back. Three years ago I was on track to get married have family etc. I moved to Houston from DC to start that chapter of my life. When that relationship was over. I swear I never felt that kind of devestation. I left with my car packed to the rim and sent boxes to my parents house and set off for the Big Apple. I had no job, just my cousin and some college friends. I came here on faith. I felt if I can make it in NY I can make it anywhere. It's been three years and it was a hard road for the first three months but I managed to get a dope azz apt in Bed-Stuy and met some pretty good friends. I've dated here and there but I've been leary until I met "The Teacher" We both have our flaws but he's genuine, kind, funny and sexy!(Having a 8 pack is ALWAYS nice to touch...lol)But we just can't get it right. It has nothing to do with cheating or any triflin thing like that! His damn family drama is DEEP! And he has the save the world mentality! I give this background because I haven't been moved by someone like this since the dude I was going to marry! A month ago The Teacher and I called it quits. He told me that my mouth was reckless(I do pop mad shyt)and he was going to bring me all my shyt. He was suppose to bring it all to me on September 28. Needless to say I'm still waiting for it! I really just want my pan back...lol! Last Tuesday he called me out of the blue. I looked at the phone like it was crazy when it was ringing! We haven't spoke verbally in a month just a few text! So to my surprise he calls me and tells me in this round about way that he was shedding the family drama cause it was causing him to lose everything and it was taking everything thing out of him. I just sat there and let him talk then he asked if I could help him do something. I was like ARRRUUUUU? Me? He said yes, you're the only person I want to help me. I said ohhh! The entire hour convo he never mentioned our break up, nothing! Then he called me the next morning at 7:33 to tell me something that happened in his family cause he said he knew I'd get it and could appreciate it. Again nothing about the break up! Friday rolls around he text me a few times then asked if I was watching the debates then proceeds to call me...heyy wait a minute now! I told him I had to call him back because I was out for dinner and drinks. About four hours pass and he calls me back and ask if I was ok and if I made it home. I told him I'd be home in 20 minutes and called him back. I talked to him from 1:43-3:30 about the state of black marriages. WTF? We talked briefly on Saturday..yet another family crisis. I know wtf? Yesterday we spoke like three times and text like 20 times. By yesterday's convo I came to the conclusion that he's trying to get back in...slowly! But he can't come back without a long talk. Man, I don't know why I have this thing for him. I can't shake his azz!I had a chance to get back with the dude I was going to marry and said nope. And I thought he was the love of my life but I think the Teacher will leave a bigger impact than him. In the past I'm known to be like peace and keep it moving but I have a soft spot for The Teacher. *sigh*

Kyle what are your thoughts as a man...lol!

Sorry for the long drawn out post.

Follow Thru

I didn't do too much this weekend. I went to a bbq Saturday and Sunday. I spent the majority of the weekend thinking if I truly want to be with "The Teacher" He is the one person besides my mom that can set me the f*ck off! As I've stated in a previous post. He is the most caring,considerate, loving dude,however; he is the ABSOLUTE worst on follow thru.
I'm at happy hour on Thursday(if anyone every wants to go to HH in NYC Mon-Thurs go to the Fat Black Pussy Cat...topshelf $4 from 3-8)He text me and ask me what am I doing.I tell him where I'm at etc. I tell him to come down he says he probably will but he's still in class plus he was sore. He has a degenerative hip disorder which will require surgery. His doctor according to him "stretched him like a $5 whore" I said cool just let me know. He gets out of class at 9:30 so around 11ish I said where is teacher. I text him and this dude has the nerve and audacity to say I'm at Kevin's chillin drinking a Corona. *crickets* Y'all I saw stars if I was close to him I seriously would have popped the piss out of his ass! I didn't care that he didn't come and meet me. What I cared about is that he didn't have enough common courtesy to tell me. I was sooo pissed that I couldn't even talk to him until the next day. He knew I was hot too. The next day when I finally felt that I could speak to him without going the hell off. Although I immediately went off. He said he was sorry and that he understands why I was mad. I was like do you or are you just saying that to shut me up! Then the argument just escalated from there. It was kind of an one sided argument. He doesn't argue....lol! I must have really pissed him off. Because he told me that if I ever talked out of my face like that too him again. He was going to let me have it! Now for the past year this dude has never raised his voice,talked out of turn or swore at me. So I know I REALLY pissed him off. Then he said damn Shell you are so combative if I was a different type of man I could pop you in your mouth! I felt bad that I got him that worked up, but dammit I just wanted him to get that he didn't have to come but inform me of the change in plan. He has a bad habit of doing that. I know I shouldn't take it personally because he does it to everyone in his family etc. But damn the only thing you got is your word if you don't follow thru on that then you don't have shit!

Everyone tells me that I shouldn't complain if that's the only thing he does wrong. Geesh he doesn't do it maliciously but it sure pisses me off! LOL! He did tell me yesterday that he really is going to work on doing better with the follow thru since he knows it bothers me. I guess that's all I can ask for....lol!

My Liver, My Life

I'm baaaaack fam! I know no one missed me...YET! I thought about abandoning this blog but thanks to Kyle over at 12Planet I'm going to keep on going!! I actually didn't mean to disappear for a week but it just worked out like that!
I've had a lot of extra time on my hands since me and the "beefcake" seperated so I've been going to the gym and hitting A LOT of happy hours. Happy hours are meant to last for a couple of hours right? Nope, not when I go. I went out Wednesday and got home at 3:45am and had to get up at 7:00...wtf?? Thursday dinner with an out of town friend I got home at 2:30am and woke up at 7:00am!We were able to leave work Friday at 3:00....yup you guessed it took my azz directly to happy hour and had my first cocktail by 3:45! Of course I went out for the remainder of the weekend and the earliest I got home was 1:30 and that was because we started drinking at 1:30pm.....I love NY but dammit I love my liver too! The poor thing is screaming "Set me free!"

I'm sure I wouldn't be doing all this going out if I was still with "Mr. Beefcake" I nicknamed him that because his body is LIKE THAT! I really miss this boy and some of our seperation is my fault and I'm woman enough to take my share of the blame. He still is the first person I speak to in the morning and the last person I speak to before I go to bed. If I'm out he always answers (even if it's late) to get my call that I made it home safely but for now we're just not a match. He has some attachment issues and he told me that until he deals with them he will never be a good boyfriend, husband or father. It's not about another woman but the woman before me cheated on him and when he was 11 his mother died suddenly so he never really got over the loss. He says he knows that I'm the one for him and that he wants to be with me but he has to get over the issues. He also stated that he understands that during this separation if I meet someone else that is the consequence he has to deal with. Man, I tell y'all he is the nicest,most sincere, considerate man I have ever dealt with. He extends himself to me, his family and friends and asks nothing in return. My dilemma is I know he didn't ask me to wait for him to work out his issues but I think that's what I'm. I've been on a couple of dates but seriously I think I went because I didn't feel like cooking when I got home....lmao! So,I'm sitting at the table looking a fool thinking would this dude just shut the f*ck up!! I get asked out at least once a week but I'm always like no thanks! Some of my "money hungry" friends are like "girl do you know what he does?" "He makes 6 figures a couple times over" "So" is my answer. Money does not make you happy it's who you're with! Mr. Beefcake is a middle school teacher and I'd take him over $300,000 any day! I'm so confused! When I started writing this post this isn't the direction I wanted it to take but ohh well!