Monday, September 29, 2008

Trying to get up

I haven't felt like blogging let alone doing shyt. I get up go to work, go to the gym and go home. I barely talk on the phone(although I think I made up for my lack of talking on the phone last night. I was on the phone until 4am!)I'm in such a funky azz mood which is soo unlike me! I'm always the one that's upbeat, fun, life of the party. Now, I barely want to be at the party! There are a few reasons that are dragging me into this funk:

1. Not feeling my job. It pays the bills but I've gone as far as I can. I realize that people are just doing the same shyt they were doing when they first started and it's ok for them but not for the kid! I've been here a little over two years and I think I need to start planning to move on up. The main concern is I want to completely leave this field. I need to research how to go about this which leads to my second funk.

2.Going back to school. I've been wanting to go to business school for the past few years but I've yet to take the GMAT(what the f&ck am I waiting for?)this is the year that I thought I would take it and now the economy decides it wants to tank so the applications for buisness school will be up at least 60% *sigh*. I want to go full time too. Quit this beyatch and get my full time study on! I really don't have any bills. No student loans(thanks mom and dad)car is paid off. Just misc bills, gas, light, cable and shoes! The more I've been thinking. I think that I should probably take the LSAT to cover both sides and apply for a JD/MBA program. So, when I'm finished I will be a motherf*ckin force! So, you ask what is my problem why am I just sitting on my ass? If you find the answer please let me know! I have all the books. I'm just not motivated to study. But I know I want to do this! What the eff is holding me back?

3.Relationship. I firmly believe when something makes you fall it's all about the bounce back. Three years ago I was on track to get married have family etc. I moved to Houston from DC to start that chapter of my life. When that relationship was over. I swear I never felt that kind of devestation. I left with my car packed to the rim and sent boxes to my parents house and set off for the Big Apple. I had no job, just my cousin and some college friends. I came here on faith. I felt if I can make it in NY I can make it anywhere. It's been three years and it was a hard road for the first three months but I managed to get a dope azz apt in Bed-Stuy and met some pretty good friends. I've dated here and there but I've been leary until I met "The Teacher" We both have our flaws but he's genuine, kind, funny and sexy!(Having a 8 pack is ALWAYS nice to touch...lol)But we just can't get it right. It has nothing to do with cheating or any triflin thing like that! His damn family drama is DEEP! And he has the save the world mentality! I give this background because I haven't been moved by someone like this since the dude I was going to marry! A month ago The Teacher and I called it quits. He told me that my mouth was reckless(I do pop mad shyt)and he was going to bring me all my shyt. He was suppose to bring it all to me on September 28. Needless to say I'm still waiting for it! I really just want my pan back...lol! Last Tuesday he called me out of the blue. I looked at the phone like it was crazy when it was ringing! We haven't spoke verbally in a month just a few text! So to my surprise he calls me and tells me in this round about way that he was shedding the family drama cause it was causing him to lose everything and it was taking everything thing out of him. I just sat there and let him talk then he asked if I could help him do something. I was like ARRRUUUUU? Me? He said yes, you're the only person I want to help me. I said ohhh! The entire hour convo he never mentioned our break up, nothing! Then he called me the next morning at 7:33 to tell me something that happened in his family cause he said he knew I'd get it and could appreciate it. Again nothing about the break up! Friday rolls around he text me a few times then asked if I was watching the debates then proceeds to call me...heyy wait a minute now! I told him I had to call him back because I was out for dinner and drinks. About four hours pass and he calls me back and ask if I was ok and if I made it home. I told him I'd be home in 20 minutes and called him back. I talked to him from 1:43-3:30 about the state of black marriages. WTF? We talked briefly on Saturday..yet another family crisis. I know wtf? Yesterday we spoke like three times and text like 20 times. By yesterday's convo I came to the conclusion that he's trying to get back in...slowly! But he can't come back without a long talk. Man, I don't know why I have this thing for him. I can't shake his azz!I had a chance to get back with the dude I was going to marry and said nope. And I thought he was the love of my life but I think the Teacher will leave a bigger impact than him. In the past I'm known to be like peace and keep it moving but I have a soft spot for The Teacher. *sigh*

Kyle what are your thoughts as a man...lol!

Sorry for the long drawn out post.

7 comments:

The F$%K it List said...

1. This field is my love! The ups and downs keep me going. but if you are done than just be done! All you have to know is what you can do in the meantime. I left retail trading with no job, I just did temp work until I found the right place. MSIM was killing me

2. Girl Law school apps are up as well, and the market is flooded with attorney. So go for the MBA and call it a day

3.Love is definite compromise. So if you need to tune down the slick talk and he leave the family drama outside sometimes that is the easy part! If you like him REALLY like him, Like I know you do then give the teacher a chance but first have the big talk. Too many women go back and do not make sure everything is clear and on the table. you know i havea soft spot for the teacher he's my BK brother

12kyle said...

sometimes you read stuff and then you realize...

you are twins!!!

maybe we were separated at birth? i'm feeling you on this one

here's my .12

1. sounds to me like you know what time it is. time to bounce. i know it to. make your escape plan...now! that's what i've done/doing.

2. i spent a great part of last week scouting grad schools. i really wanna quit work and go full time but i can't afford to. at least it's just you and you have no churrin. we both need to go back to get that mba. that's the only thing that is gonna propel us to the next level

3. mrs12 has a slick mouth, too! she's lucky that she ain't toothless by now. lmao! jusssss kiddin. i don't hit women.

here's my thing...if he came to you like that...then it tells me that you are someone that he can trust. its always hard to deal with family. if he can confide in you, then that's huge. maybe there is still hope for y'all.

just b/c you have a slick mouth doesn't mean that you don't need to be heard. we all do. he has to be willing to listen. and vice versa.

hope that i made sense

Eb the Celeb said...

I have a STAND STILL post in my drafts that I havent had the guts to post yet that touches on almost everything here... I really feel like I am at a standstill in my career... past entry level... but not yet upper level... so either I have to take a position that is beneath me or hope that someone gives me a chance to prove myself.... its sucks...

I've talked to 12kyle about this too... and its a shame that all of us intelligent young black professionals are unhappy in our careers... Actually I take that back... JOBS... because in a career we would be happy... a job you just have because it pays the bills.

Right now... I am the worst person to talk to about going back to school... I finished my masters the end of last year... but the way the economy is jacked up right now it doesn't even matter if I have that piece of paper or not at this point.

I just pray on it and have faith that it will all get better... just going threw the rain before the sunshine and that it will all work itself out.

and the relationship thing... sigh... girl I have no advice because I have probs over here myself... also trying to shake and jive a nig

ShellyShell said...

@Fit
1. I love the field but would like to move not to fond working in PB. The thing with this job is that they don't believe in promoting people just more money. So I think I've reached my limit here.

2.Law school apps are up but not quite as much as Bschool. Sometimes having a JD opens up more doors for you. I have so many friends that don't practice but their creds opened up the path.

3. I CAN'T go back without addressing the matter and if we're not on the same page then I can get with it!

@Kyle(my twin)

Thanks! It made a ton of sense but I think he's sensitive too. I'll say shyt and he'll be like Shell was that necessary. I'm like what? Or he thinks I don't understand shyt because his mom passed away when he was 11 and he feels the need to hold his family together etc.Because his sisters took care of him until he graduated. We'll see if we can get through this shyt, if not then it back to the drawing board!

3.Eb
You are absolutely right. I don't have a career I have a job! This is so not what I envisioned! I hate getting up in the morning! We all need to get together and start a company!

One Man’s Opinion said...

Don't apologize. This was a very good post. I feel like I learned a hell of a lot about you from it. You are a strong determined woman, who will not settle for second best, if you don't have to. I think you should stay with the Teacher. Sounds like you got love for the brother.

....shoes? Really? LOL

ShellyShell said...

@ One Man
Thanks so much for stopping by! Make sure to come back. I'm going to start posting more!!

I don't like to settle for shyt. I have to be numero uno, but I feel like I'm settling in this job and not going back to school! As for The Teacher we've been talking a little more lately but I still haven't seen him in 5 weeks!

Yeah I'm a shoe HO! LOL!

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