Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My Mom Always Told Me

My mom used to tell me the older you get you'll only have a handful of friends. When I was younger I don't know if I quite believed her since I always had a ton of friends. In elementary school I had so many friends that the principle called my mom into the office because she thought maybe I was a gang member and I was intimidating the kids to be my friends! Uhh no! In high school I had a ton of friends because I knew a lot of people and I played three sports. Even when I got to college I made a ton of friends. After graduation I kept in touch with a few people but it has dwindled. Life happens.

I still have my best friend from the first day of Montessori. Our birthdays are two days a part. She knows me in ways only a selected few do. She's never come to visit because she's terrified to leave her kids(even though she has a gem of a husband). That really doesn't matter. We speak almost every day even if it's only for 2 minutes. I've had numerous doctor's appointments for my ear in the last week and she calls to see what was said and what the next step is. She's the one who tells me I'm overreacting on something or someone. She's the calm practical side. At the end of the day she is my ace! I have a few others that are in my crew(as Kyle would say) Chad, Mica, Tam and Niles. These five are my PEOPLES! If I do something that don't like they check me, if there's something that seems off about our relationship..they ask me, if I let shit slide...they ask why? They are my checks and balances and I wouldn't have it any other way! I RIDE FOR THEM!

Since I joined Facebook I've become acquainted with many old friends and some new ones. I've been deleted as a "friend" four times. One because the dude was just an asshole, two my ex boyfriend's new gf broke into his FB and deleted almost all the women. He found out and friend requested us all again and dumped her ass! Three another ex boyfriend's fiancee' made him delete all ex girlfriends and he did...oh well! My last delete was by a woman who was my supposed friend. I haven't known this woman for a long period of time but I started to hang out and spend time with her and thought she was cool people. Apparently a situation took place and I stayed neutral so that wasn't good enough. I along with anyone she met thru me was deleted. I personally think that's some bitch ass shit.But hey if it makes her feel better then so be it! I think it's pretty sad that a grown ass woman thinks her behavior is ok. If that was someone from my crew they would have said "Shell xyz?" but to delete me and others who really had nothing to do with it. Is immature, petty and stupid. The funny thing is I was actually starting to consider this girl a friend but people ALWAYS show their ass after awhile. The funny thing is whatever was going on wasn't that serious. Let me rephrase that...it wasn't that serious to me! I personally have bigger things to worry about like how after more testing I lost some more hearing in my left ear and now some in my right. How I have to get a Cat Scan and how the doctor is talking about cutting into my damn brain. That's what the fuck I'm worried about. How my mom is having knee replacement surgery next Thursday but wants to cancel it so she can be here with me for my scan. Knowing damn well she needs the surgery because she is now walking around bone on bone! That's the shit I'm worried about! Not about why some immature person deleted me and didn't have the balls to come and say "blah blah blah." But just like my mom always told me.....you'll only have a handful of friends! Boy she ain't neva lied!

How many of us have them
The ones we can depend on
How many of us have them

Monday, July 27, 2009

Decisions Decisions Decisions

I said I would write my review of Black In America on Friday and today is now Monday and no review. I will write it on Wednesday since I'm trying to blog three days a week now. Plus I feel like I have other pressing issues to deal with.

Last week I was selected to attend a Lunch and Learn that was scheduled for today. It's thrown by the Black Women's Leadership Group at my job. When you see something from them you have to immediately jump on it or it will fill up. So, I got the email and sent it in my rsvp. All in all only 20 people were selected and I'm happy I was one of them. They had two Managing Director's speak one black and one white. They happened to both be promoted to MD the same year. The topic was on Mentorship and Sponsorship but it turned to other topics. The women at the table were incredibly candid in their questions and answers. In case some of you don't know. Having a title of Managing Director is huge in the financial circle. There are very few black MD's and even fewer black women MD's. I think there's like 20 for the company I work for and I work for a big azz company.

One of the things one of the women said is "you have to create your own destiny" and that statement really resonated with me. I've been thinking about this in both my professional and personal life. My job is stagnant and I don't think I will be able to move up with the group I'm in. I keep getting paid more money but it's really satisfying for me. I thought for a minute that I keep taking the paper and do the same stagnant job but it it's not working. I am good at my job and very knowledgeable. Hell I know more shyt then people who are above me and I know more about what the other groups are doing. I could go to any job in my department and do well but that doesn't matter. They're not trying to get rid of their talent so there's no transferring. I would so like to go to the product side. Of course not many blacks are there. I think I may have to leave this company and go somewhere else to be more full filled.

Don't get me wrong. I am so blessed to have a job in this economy and being in the field I'm in. I have plenty of friends who have lost their jobs and I see my department shrinking before my eyes. I've been thinking about this for awhile and now is the time. I came into this field in a very unconventional way and it's always a great topic in interviews. I don't know why I'm a little gun shy on this. I have no kids and no debt. I have a substantial savings, parents and siblings who support my unconventional moves even though they don't always agree but they understand. I am a risk taker and always have been. I've never lacked confidence. So now is the time I HAVE TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF AND IN MY NEXT MOVE! I believe it will be a big one.

I guess this coincides with me and the moves I made in my personal life. The Teacher and I have been in limbo for the past year. We had a serious heart to heart on Sunday. I told him I can't continue to have a half ass relationship. . I eventually want to get married and have a kid. I can't help that you have issues about your dad and your scared you'll turn out like him. If you're not like him now what's going to change? While I appreciate him not wanting to be like a man he has issues with. I'm not trying to sit around and wait forever. It was a very deep conversation some things were said that hurt on both sides but it was needed. I finally found out how he truly feels about me and how he envisions our future together. So for now we'll see how this progresses.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Wednesday Wrap around

This is 2009 right? Like Spike Lee said just because our President is black doesn't mean that the racial profiling and racism will automatically disappear. Shyt is alive and well out here. Try living in upstate NY like I did. The "others" will let you know!

One of my white friends from back home commented that most of my friends now are black. I point blank told her I have enough white friends from always being the ONLY black girl growing up! At this stage in my life I need some chocolate! Dayum!

Say what you want about Tyler Perry but he did a great deed in sending those kids from Philly to Disney next week. "I want them to know that for every act of evil that a few people will throw at you, there are millions more who will do something kind for them."

C'mon Black and Hispanics we have to do better! Our obesity rate is skyrocketing! For black it's 23-45.1(depending on state)and Hispanics it's 21-36.7%. I like cheeseburgers and fries sometimes too but I also like the gym! If you can't afford the gym.....walk OUTSIDE IT'S FREE!

I ABSOLUTELY love Miles Davis! Looking back I'm grateful that my parents took me to see him when I was 8 years old! My mommy is the reason I love jazz and blues so much! Most folks don't know that about me! Ha!

I have an extensive Barbie Doll collection that's worth over 15K. I don't have a single one with me! They're all in storage at my parent's house...lol! I've been out of the house for a loooooong time too!

President Obama went to chuuuuurch at the NAACP convention last week. I really liked his speech!

Black in America is on tonite. I will watch since I watched last year. I really hope Soledad discusses middle class black americans who went to college and are doing it for themselves. I felt like last year it was so concentrated on being black and poor. White people see that side of blacks too often! I hope she does better. I will discuss in depth when on Friday.

Steve McNair DID NOT HAVE A WILL!! C'mon black people get your affairs in order. I don't care how old you are or young you thing you are. We are NOT INVINCIBLE! Hell Michael Jackson's wasn't even updated. His is from 2002!

Benjamin Bernake..chairman of the Federal Reserve said yesterday that while the economy is picking up the unemployment rate will remain high until 2011! That's not looking good for Barack!

Crocs is about to file for bankruptcy! While I hate to see more people lose jobs. I hate those dayum shoes!

I witnessed some very immature shyt from folks this weekend. I'm just sitting shaking my vodka sayin "what's really goin on?"

Friday, July 17, 2009

WHAT did you say?

This last week has not been good. But I guess I can't complain too much because I'm still breathing and I'm thankful for that.

Last Friday I woke up with what seemed like "swimmers ear" that feeling that water is stuck in your ear and I couldn't figure out why my ear felt like that since I haven't been in a pool in at least a year. So I tried to chew gum and yawn and it didn't work. So when I came to work I took my azz to the PA and she inspected my ear and said it looked like my eardrums were swollen and were covered in mucus. It was almost like a reverse sinus infection instead of in your sinus cavity the mucus was draining thru your ears. Yuck I know. So she told me to take Sudafed B every 4 hours for the weekend. I did this and by Sunday my ear was feeling better. I stopped hearing myself talk. By Monday afternoon I had a slight ringing in my ear again and the muffled sound was back. Tuesday morning I went back to the PA and she said that my ear was still cloudy but she wanted me to stop taking the Sudafed and immediately go see an ENT.

I go see the ENT and he inspects my ear and tells me that he thinks I have Eustachian tube dysfunction(tube is chronically open and that's why I hear myself talk) but I told him how I went completely deaf in my left ear when I was 13 for 5 months and that led him to do further test. As of now I have lost 30% of my hearing in my left ear and they have no idea why.They also don't know if I will ever regain that 30%. They think I have nerve damage from a viral infection or I could have had an inner ear stroke(who would have thought) or worst case scenario it's a tumor sitting on my auditory nerve. If that's the case it's very difficult to treat. For now I'm on steroids till next Friday when I go see the ENT. The week after I go see an Neuro-Otologist. I will be getting Cat Scans, MRI's and anything else I need to rectify this problem. If need be there is a specialist in Houston that my sister and mom have already been in touch with and I will go there for treatment and just deal with my insurance later.

Needless to say my week has been pretty funky. I told the Teacher about it and just when I think I want to knock his azz out he does some real sweet shyt. LOL! He kept asking what time I was leaving work and if I was going straight home. When I got off the train he was standing there(seeing his face was exactly what I needed at the moment). He came to my house and we sat around, chilled and laughed for about 3 hours. Some days he drives me to the point where I want to drop kick him in his chest(like today) and then other days I want to lick his chocolaty 12 pack!

Thanks to Tiffany"Smarty" Jones for keeping me in your prayers and my bff Susanna who calls me repeatedly and to Olisa for asking me a million times last night "Can you hear this?" Bwaaaaaaaahahha! I had to tell her I've only lost 30% in one ear fool! LOL!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Mid Year Review on Goals

Below are the goals I posted back in January for myself! Guess what. I haven't completed NOT ONE OF THESE GOALS! It's a damn shame! I'm so disappointed in myself!
1.I mean damn I couldn't even keep my word to God! It's never too late so I will read the Bible(I'm just six months late in starting) But dammit I will read it! I can't let God down!

2. I did one volunteer program! I really suck! I'm doing some things at work and helping people who've been out of the job market for awhile. I will be reviewing their resumes and conducting mock interviews! Most of the people are former welfare recipients.

3.Hmm well can't lose weight Shell when you're too busy partying! Needless to say I haven't lost any weight but not gained either.

4.Tithe more. Can't tithe if you don't take your ass to church! I didn't go to church the entire month of June! I SUCK! But I did do bedside baptist and tithed one time! I went to church this past Sunday and tithed! I must go the remainder of July!

5.Toastmasters---yeah right! Only thing I've been toasting is my damn Vodka!

6.Decide if I'm going to business school! Yep, I want to go but am doing nothing to make it happen! I need to take Calculus since I haven't taken it in 5 years! You think I signed up for a summer class. Hell no, I'm too busy partying! I'm the worst! I WILL BE IN SCHOOL IN THE FALL TAKING ALL MY PRE-REQ'S!

7.Never bought my flat screen! That's out of pure laziness! And me saying I don't watch as much tv in the summer! I will buy one by the time College Basketball starts! Go Heels!

8.I haven't ran a single 5k! I still have time!

9.Blog three times a week! I have failed miserably at this!

This weekend was my last weekend going out they way I have! I have been completely out of control In the last 6 weeks I think I've spent $2500 on going out and eating out! That is damn ridiculous! I'm not wanting for money but that loot could be in my ING account or spending money for Barcelona! I'm very disappointed in my behavior thus far for the year! Out of 9 goals I've completed 1! Fricken ONE! I WILL DO BETTER!

1.Read the Bible- I found a chart that shows you how to read the Good Book in a year! I've already slipped up but I had to play catch up. I can't play around with the man upstairs!

2.Volunteer- When I lived in DC I always tutored kids in reading and math. I coached track and field Special Olympics! Since moving to NYC I haven't participated in any of this..*sigh* I have my interview next week for BigBro BigSis, I also want to find a program where I check on elderly people once a week!

3.Lose 10 lbs- this isn't really necessary but I just feel like I need to drop these 10. I've put on 10 in the last year. Most of it is muscle but I feel like it's a little too heavy for me! All my weight goes to my booty. My stomach is flat as hell! LOL! I guess I shouldn't complain. Some chicks would die for ass!

4.Tithe more- I do tithe but it's not as much as I should be giving.

5.Take a career development class. I am terrified to speak in front of people! I need Toastmasters...lol!

6.Decide if I'm going to apply to Business School. Lawd this is HUGE! If I do this I'm going to the full time program and will quit my job! In my head I know I can do this. I have no bills but basics. Gas, electric, phone. But I will have to dip into my savings and I don't want to!

7.Buy a flat screen- LOL! I know this shouldn't be a goal but I hate spending money on electronics! I'm buying one next week!

8.Run at least 3 5K's. Possibly one 10k.

9. Blog at a minimum of three times a week!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I've been gone for a minute

I've neglected this blog for a few weeks now. I have all these ideas for post I swear but am just too lazy to write them all out! Since it's been a minute I'm just going to go off the top with some thoughts!

The memorial for Michael Jackson was beautiful! I'm not a huge fan of Al Sharpton but damn he PREACHED today! It was quite funny to me that none of the "others" at my job understood what he was saying!

MJ's daughter Paris speaking...absolutely heartbreaking!

Where was Quincy Jones? Of all the people I definitely thought he should have been there! Interesting!

Sarah Palin resigned. Good riddance you dumb bytch! You quit on your state after only two years and you think you were good enough to be 2nd in command! Keep thinking!

Gov. Sanford for real? Your mistress is your "soul mate" But who's really gangsta is his wife, Jenny! Her comments have been classic! "We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eyes and maintain my dignity, self-respect and my basic sense of right and wrong," Sanford said in her statement. "I therefore asked my husband to leave two weeks ago." I really like this statement because she wasn't like all the other political wives standing behind their lying, cheating spouse! She put her and her son's first! Love it!

Is Lauryn London really pregnant by Lil Wayne? I shudder at the thought of seeing him nude!

Jason Whitlock why don't you sit your fat ass down somewhere! Your comments about Serena Williams were out of line! How are you going to say something about someone's weight and you're walking around looking like Fat Albert's brother!

R.I.P Steve McNair! The damn jumpoff was a waitress at Dave and Buster's. Where you took your kids? Don't shit and play in the same place if you're going to dirt!

I'm not looking forward to "Black in America Part 2" I didn't think Soledad did that great of a job! Last year she barely commented on the black middle class! Not every black person is dirt poor!

I didn't even give myself a birthday blog! So in typical me fashion.....late as hell! Happy Belated Birthday to me! LOL!

"Wasn't nothing strange about your daddy it was strange with what your daddy had to deal with" Al Sharpton ( Loves it)