Thursday, July 31, 2008

The Hammer

So, I was suppose to post last Sunday but between being sick with some virus and bizarre shyt happening to me I just had to chill. My post was going to tell everyone how it was growing up in upstate NY and only graduating with four black people I'm still going to write about that but I really have to put thought into that post.So it's coming shortly in the meantime let me entertain y'all with some straight foolishness.

I have to give a little background on this story. My coworker(Wife Beater)came out to happy hour with me and my homegirl about 6 weeks ago while there a man came up to me and said you look familiar and I was like yeah you do to. Ends up I know his cousin. This man whose name is Shane. He's around the same age as my coworker. She's 45 and he's 48. She just got divorced so she's looking for a man plus she desperately wants to have a kid. Her mom didn't have her until she was 47. So Beater and Shane talk at happy hour and exchange numbers etc. She said he was cool but she wasn't completely feelin him. I thought she was overacting a little because he offered to buy her a drink and she leans over and says to me I'm not going to sleep with him. I was like why the f*ck would you. Take the drink and keep it moving. Fast forward to the following week Shane and Beater make plans to meet up for a drink(s). Why does this fool take her to a damn club...she text me from the club like wtf. I was like a first date you take someone to a loud ass club and your 48. Needless to say she was turned the hell off. So she said she had to go and catch her bus and thanks for everything. He walks with her to the door and she goes to hug him and attempts to shove his tongue down her throat. She panics and leaves. She gets outside and calls me and says ill this dude is gross blah blah blah. He calls her a few times after that and she never answers. Fast forward a few weeks and I see him on the train he keeps staring at me but I act like I have no idea who the hell he is. Finally he puts it together how he knows me and soon as the lady next to me gets up he makes a beeline next to me to sit down. I was like damn damn damn. He said what happened to your friend. I said nothing, you should probably leave that alone it wasn't a love connection. He kept pressing me and finally I said well dude you might not want to take a first dated to a club and then shove your tongue down her throat. This beyatch said that's a lie she came onto me she was all over me the night I met you guys. Now y'all I was standing there and she was not all over him. I said whatever it ain't me. He was like here take my card I said for what he said call me. Beyatch please. I got off the train and threw his card in the garbage and he saw me do it. So I saw him at my Sunday spot, Habana Outpost a week or so later. He waived and said hi and I did the same. Well I run into him again 2 weeks ago and he comes over to me and my girls and talks. He then proceeds to say he didn't really like Beater that he was trying to get at me. I stood there and laughed in dudes face. Really so she didn't take the bait and you think I will. Singing Beyonce..You must not know about!! He then asked where I live. I figure he must live in the same vicinity since I saw him at my stop. I told him a general area and he told me exactly where he lives and damn if he doesn't live around the corner. So, he was like ohh that's great we can go to each other's houses and cook dinner and hang out. I was like dude I don't like you that. He kept saying Ohhh Shell. Hr kept saying your so pretty and I think we'd be good together. My homegirl then says didn't you try and talk to her coworker he said ohh that doesn't count. I was like I gotta go. Sorry the story is so long but I had to give this background.
Ok so last Sunday I go over to the good bodega(fresh fruit and veggies) because I need to get a green pepper. I run into Shane...ILLL! He speaks and I do the same. Then he said can I come over and bring a bottle of wine. I looked at him like he had 6 heads uhhh no. He said ok just remember "The Hammer" is around the corner. I turned around and said "the hammer?" He said yeah that's what they call me cause I pound pu$sy and I want to eat your sexy kitty and wrap your powerful legs around my back while I pound that juicy pu$sy of yours. Maaaaaaaan I went off! Dude you don't know me like that. I don't know what type of birds allow you to talk to them like that but you have me confused. If I was in a louge I would have busted my drink upside his head, but I only had a dayum green pepper!!! So,I'm going off telling him he better stay the f*cki away from me blah blah blah. So, I'm wildin out a little so these neighbor hood dudes look at me and say Ma, you alright you know this dude. I said no and he's bothering me. Ha these dudes were like yo,what you saying to her yo u betta step the eff back we run this block Nucca. Dude looked shook but I didn't and still don't give a dayum! I can't believe this dude could even fix his mouth to say something like that. That shyt was ignorant and disrespectful. I wish I would have kept his business card because I would have went and pressed harrassment charges on his ass!!!

I told the Teacher what happened and he laughed and that really pissed me off but he laughed for about 10 seconds. He was like you gotta show me dude if we're out and you see him. I was like ohhh shyt is Brownsville going to come out. He was like Shell don't play that shyt is still in me. I was like ok.

Sorry this story was so long but I had to give the background. Oh yeah one more thing then I'm finished. So Sunday night after all this shyt my throat starts hurting. Monday my throat feels like shyt and I don't feel well at all. I go to work but I'm not myself I'm not eating, snacking nothing. At the end of the day I felt nauseas I went to the bathroom and vomited so I hightailed it out of work. I got home and had the chills and was in my bed wrapped up like a little blunt. I was soo cold but my temp was 104. I was throwing up every couple of hours. It got soo bad that I was laying on the bathroom floor. Around 1am my fever broke and I felt a lot better but I didn't go to work on Tuesday. All I could think of was that beyatch Shane put a hex on me(he's Jamaican)!!!! ahahhahaha! I called my homegirl and said get the Bible! Come to find out he didn't. My other homegirl failed to tell us she had to go to the emergency room last Thursday cause of a virus and was all breathing on me and my girl Saturday(she called out of work Tuesday too..we work on the same
Anyway that's my story. I hope you enjoyed it!


12kyle said...

OMG!!!! This is hilarious!!! LMAO!!! are a FOOL!!! LOL

The Hammer...pounds pussy! LMAO!!

Some dudes say some stupid shit! Does he get chicks in the bed and they yell...Please, Hammer don't hurt em. haaaaaaaa

12kyle said...

ok. now that i'm done laughing. i think you should have cut him off after his 1st advance. maybe you should have cussed him out. by not doing that, you gave him confidence that he had a chance with you. maybe you should have told him that you have a man...or that you're engaged or sumthin. he's persistent.

that scene at the bodega could have been ugly. you gotta be careful. those dudes could've whupped his ass or shot him

good post!

ShellyShell said...

You know you're right I should have probably went off the first time. But I was like nah dude, I'm good I have no desire for you to come to my house to bring wine or to see you alone. I'm thinking I don't have to wild out all the time but I guess with old ass men I'm going to have to. I will for sure see him again because of my Sunday spot and that's where most of my girls go for a few drinks. I'm sure they'll go off on him before I even get! A few of then are rah rah like that!

As for the bodega...yeah it could have got ugly but at the moment I didn't care. They basically just scared his ass off the block. I see them every morning when I'm walking to the train. I think they're more wanna be hard then hard! Can you believe a 48yro man could fix his mouth to say that? I'm sure a people think it but don't verbalize it...dayum have some couth!

The F$%K it List said...

HAHA, I was on the floor laughing at this one. I was waiting for one of the neighborhood dudes to raise up, this was some funny shit.

Hmmm the teacher is from Brownsville, I'm from The Ville (so its the Mr.) I think I take back what I said about him.. I likes him!

The F$%K it List said...

P.S I've decided the new format is like my summer hair. I'll change it back in the winter.

The F$%K it List said...

Hey if you are available I will be out at Zoe's restaurant with some other NY bloggers. Hit me at if you can make it, I'll have my camera.

Kieya said...

LOL uh uh

at 48 walking around to grown ass women sayin that mess?

yuck, i'm surprised the virus didn't kick in then & u didn't vomit on his shoes

Mizrepresent said...

LMAO! Dang gurl...i'm glad you told his azz off, "The Hammer" OMG, he needs to get over himself...if he was all that he wouldn't be chasing and pressing so hard, ew! Hope you fill better. I hope i get a chance to meet you in October when i'm in the NYC!

12kyle said...

mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, i had to come back so that i could get a good laugh in today. this is sooo funny b/c i've seen young dudes like this. never a 48 year old. LMAO!!!!